Welcome to the Uncooked Raw Reaction
Sorry it's a day late, folks, sometimes life gets in the way.
Previously on the U.C.: Triple H appeared out of thin air like the goddamn KING MAKING WARLOCK that he is, Pedigreed the holy f*ck out of Rollins & Reigns and gave the title to Kevin Owens, and there was much rejoicing.
Tonight there would be the formal coronation of the new King.
Tonight would be the premiere of the Kevin Owens Show.
Tonight would be a step in the wrong direction, back to the mistakes of the past.
New Boss, Same as the Old Boss.
Deserve's got nothing to do with it.
This segment was actually pretty damned Flame Emoji.
Kevin Owens got to run down the crowd for their ubiquitous, over-used and now valueless "You deserve it" chant. He says that when the crowd chants that, they're really making it all about themselves, and he's not wrong.
Kevin Owens got to acknowledge that Triple H helped out, but also that it doesn't really matter how he became top guy, because it was inevitable either way.
Seth Rollins got to come out, in a righteous fury and tell the champ to shut up and demand some answers from Stephanie and Mick.
Mick got to be on Seth's side while still sticking up for Stephanie.
Kevin Owens got to rub his new Twizzler Title Belt in Seth's face and Seth got to call Owens a puppet.
Seth got to tell Steph that he was going to "burn the New Era to the ground."
Kevin and Seth got to trade "who's been more coddled" insults until Seth let his fists do the talking.
Stephanie got to reflexively suspend Seth, because she panics when people don't immediately back down from her fake bravado-ass posturing.
Mick got to override Stephanie's suspension of Seth, making a decision that was best for business: Seth vs Kevin at Clash of Champions.
By the way, Seth Rollins comes out, uninvited, yells at the person in charge, throws the first punch in attacking the champ, and is immediately rewarded with a Championship Match at the next PPV.
In other words, SETH ROLLINS BABYFACE TURN CONFIRMED.
In all seriousness, this Steph and Mick stuff was made to look all the more dramatic thanks to the very best "Earlier Today" backstage pre-tape that has ever been produced.
Mick has to trust Steph when she says that she didn't know HHH was going to show up and crown Kevin Owens. Because if she's lying to Mick, he knows he's hitched his wagon to the most conniving, two-faced, backstabbing person in all of sports entertainment.
Now, you might point out that he should already know that, but it's Mick Foley. I don't know if he knows how to tie his shoes some days.
Still, this was great.
And it was followed up by Mick and Steph in the back arguing over who may or may not have usurped whose authority, only to be interrupted by Kevin Owens, who said he came out there to be celebrated "in a suit, no less" and he didn't appreciate the fact that Seth came out to attack him and was basically rewarded for it.
By the way, Seth Rollins comes out, uninvited, yells at the person in charge, throws the first punch in attacking the champ, and is immediately rewarded with a Championship Match at the next PPV.
In other words, SETH ROLLINS BABYFACE TURN CONFIRMED.
Anyway, Kevin's BFF since three weeks ago, Chris Jericho, shows up and says how dare you do this to Kevin, "he's the longest reigning WWE Universal Champion ever."
As a result, Kevin has to face Sami Zayn tonight, and Chris Jericho has to face Seth Rollins.
Because the squeaky wheel gets the grease. Unless you're a heel, then the squeaky wheel gets f*cked.
Everything about the opening, say, 20 minutes of this show was great.
Then the ball started rolling downhill. There were some things to like, to be sure. But the show ended up at the bottom of a ravine, dashed and broken.
Here's how we got there.
The Women
(Minus Nia Jax. Well get to her in The Squashes Analysis.)
Nothing wrong with this match. I actually liked a lot about it. Dana Being forced to take notes on the outside was funny, I suppose.
Not as funny as this Twitter account, purporting to be the Notes that Dana Brooke took.
Bayley sold a leg injury that she apparently was supposed to have sustained while botching her "dropkick through the corner" spot. She sold the hell out of it, all match, even (gasp) on OFFENSE. What a (future) champ.
The match isn't really what concerns me, though.
Except this:
"Oh my goodness, Bayley has pinned the Women's Champion!"
You'd think Michael Cole would stop being so surprised by this angle, considering he's seen it approximately ONE BILLION TIMES.
But yeah. Bayley is absolutely ready for the Main Roster Women's Main Event scene. No worries there.
No, what worries me is that Dana Brooke is stuck in the most abusive, co-dependent relationship since Sid & Nancy.
Dana honey, Charlotte is not your friend. She is not your mentor. She is terrible to you.
"But you don't know how it is when we're alone. She's not like this when it's just the two of us."
This isn't a mentor-protegé relationship. This is Stockholm Syndrome.
"No, you don't understand. It was my fault. I didn't take the notes in the way I was supposed to."
But--
"You don't understand. I deserved it. I wasn't holding the clipboard right."
But--
"I CAN CHANGE HER!"
Poor Dana. We need to get her to a Battered Protegé Shelter.
HOW DARE YOU PLAY WITH MY EMOTIONS, SASHA!?!?!
She had me, guys. In hindsight, I was a stupid mark. But I bought it, hook, line and sinker. I mean, she started the whole thing with "Every journey has an end," y'all!
And then she talked about the history of women's wrestling, and her place in it, and where it would go from here, and I was ready for the announcement of something like "I have a disc that is out of alignment and impinging on my spinal cord and the doctors tell me if I wrestle again I could be paralyzed."
But nope. DANA BROOKE!
Trying to make up for her mistakes from earlier, trying to prove herself to Charlotte, deepening the cycle of abuse, and immediately ensuring that all of us watching know that we were being worked.
Sasha puts Dana in the Banks Statement, tells her to tell Charlotte that she's back and she's invoking her rematch clause at Clash of Champions, and also calls Dana "Miss Piggy" which I tell if it's feminist because she's calling her fat, or if it's feminist because she's calling her ugly, or if it's feminist because she's calling her a puppet. It's definitely feminist though, because Sasha is all about that Women's Revolution, and would never tear down another woman based on her appearance, because female empowerment, amirite, ladies?
What did Sasha have planned for the end of her speech if Dana hadn't interrupted? Like, "so anyway, what I said about how every journey has an end, I wasn't talking about my journey, really, more like the overall journey of women in wrestling, and how our climb to the top is still ongoing, but look at how far we've come in just the past year, and also I'm not as hurt as originally feared and I know they brought up my friend Bayley from NXT and everything, even though they probably need her more on Smackdown, but yeah, THE BOSS IS BACK!"
Was that it?
Was that what she would have said?
Oh no wait, in my version, she didn't say she was the boss a thousand times. So probably not, then.
I mean, I'm glad that Sasha is okay, I'm looking forward to another match between her and Charlotte, but they couldn't have found a less dick-ish way to announce that?
And where does Bayley fit into all of this?
Answer: Probably nowhere.
Would've been cool to see her win that Six-Pack Challenge for the SmackDown Women's Belt, huh?
The Men
Someone tell Michael Cole what stakes are, please.
This is a perfectly decent, even very good match between two great performers where Rollins, working babyface, gets to take out his Kevin Owens frustrations on Owens' buddy Jericho.
Rollins even breaks out a freaking BUFF BLOCKBUSTER:
Then he wins, with the Pedigree, which has to be a total "F*ck you H" moment, and that's it.
Somewhere in the middle of the match, Michael Cole busts out a "SO MUCH AT STAKE!!!!" Like what, exactly, Mike? What would have happened if Seth had lost? Would he have lost his title shot as well? Was this a Loser Leaves Town match? A Hair vs Hair match?
It was fine, good, decent match. But there were absolutely no stakes, Michael Cole. None. Shut up and let it be what it is.
That's not how K-Tape works.
It supports muscles and joints. It does not provide extra padding, which is what you would want if you had "Contusions to the Lumbar Area."
Cesaro comes out with K-Tape all over his lower back.
That's not how K-Tape works. The trainers backstage know this, but the writers told them it doesn't matter, because they think we are all stupid.
This match is good, though, and it features this glorious f*cking thing:
So Cesaro is now down 3-0 in this Best of 7, and nursing "Contusions of the Lumbar Area," and after that Crucifix Bomb Backbreaker, he's also probably nursing some bleeding kidneys.
Only one of two things can happen now:
- What's going to happen: Cesaro comes back and wins 4 in a row.
- What should happen: Sheamus mops the floor with him in London at that house show.
Then Cesaro somehow winds up on Smackdown.
They need him.
Raw doesn't. Case in point, he's getting beaten up by Sheamus every week. - What actually happened: The Benefits of Doing this Reaction Piece 18 hours late!
Cesaro just won in London.
(spoiler alert.)
It's the first of probably four in a row for Cesaro, but I wouldn't be opposed to him tying it up at 3-3, then losing the 7th match.
(And winding up on Smackdown.)
The Squashes
LET'S TALK TALK TALK IT OUT!!!!!!
You know what's awesome? A cohesive storyline.
Nia Jax has been squashing all manner of competition. This week, it's Ann Esposito, who they take special care to remind us is a close friend of Alicia Fox, who is a former Divas Champ and a contracted Women's Division Competitor. I say that to remind you, because the bookers seem to have forgotten about it, and I wanted to make sure my readers didn't. The in-ring story is that Ann Esposito handles herself better in the ring than Rainbow Brite characters and girls in Sexy Santa costumes, but still ends up like the rest: Squashed. Later, Alicia Fox comes out of the training room, having just been checking on her friend and she runs into Nia, who brags about beating up Alicia's friend. Alicia doesn't like that, and gets in Nia's face. Nia doesn't back down, because why would she?, and Alicia FLIPS THE EVERLOVING MOTHERF*CK OUT ON HER.
(Sidenote: I truly thought that was a box of little chocolate donuts that she hit Nia in the face with.)
(It was not. It was athletic tape.)
(I choose to still believe it was little chocolate donuts.)
(Yum.)
Nia then shoves Alicia out of her shoes, and storms off. Alicia yells after here "Where you going Nia? LET'S TALK TALK TALK IT OUT!!!!!"
This sets up Nia's first match ever on the main roster against another WWE women's wrestler. That would be cool enough to watch, but now we've got a real story behind it. A story where Alicia Fox GOES NUTS AT THE DROP OF A HAT.
I can't wait.
This was actually my favorite part of the show on Monday.
That's not a good sign.
RRRAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWRRR!!! ... and so forth.
Last week on Raw, Braun Strowman squashed a little luchador in an American Flag costume. Afterward, Braun took his head as a trophy.
It was actually just his mask, but same diff.
Sin Cara took that as a slight to Lucha culture, so he challenged Braun to a match. Now, you might think this is another good example of a cohesive story, and you'd be right, except it also forced Braun to sell for Sin Cara's terrible offense, which is like when you're wrestling in the living room with your 6 year old nephew, and he does a flying crossbody off the couch, and you fake like he hurt you. It's like that, only less believable.
Also, for some reason, they decided to protect Sin Cara by not having him take a pin. Which makes no sense.
And speaking of things that make no sense...
Reaping what you sow.
Bo Dallas comes out with an election sign that says "BO-LIEVE IN BO," then he recites a little poem to his opponent.
"Don't you know / You what reap what you sow / There's nowhere to go / Bo-lieve in Bo"
Then he wrecks this guy.
I mean like WRECKS him.
I don't know, but whatever it was, it left him scarred.
He has a new finisher, too. A reverse Cross Rhodes.
"Reverse" because Cody always spun to his right:
And Bo spins to his left:
See? "Reverse."
So here's my question: Was this planned for him before his little incident, and they decided to just run with it?
Because otherwise, this is Bo "Reaping what he Sows":
Get drunk at an airport, sing The Circle of Life, tell the airport emplyees to f*ck off, get held off a flight to Mexico, get arrested ... get a push?
I like Bo Dallas more than most, and even I'm not okay with that.
Here's a great suggestion that I would be 1000% okay with, though:
Yes, please.
The Debacles
These are the things from Monday night that ruined the whole show for me.
There is such a thing as being TOO over, and this is it.
Seriously, when Enzo and Cass can do a bit that is this bad and the crowd still cheers for it, we're in trouble.
Enzo does a promo about Labor Day, except it's actually about going into Labor.
.......
Like when you're giving birth.
...........
It's a joke.
..............
Get it?
The shame of it is that I think that Enzo & Cass are doing great work in the ring, but they're now defined by their comedy routines, and it's hard to be funny all the time.
(Believe me, I know.)
Everyone always bags on Enzo's ring work, and yeah, it's not always perfect but look at this:
HE DID A SUICIDE DIVE AND LANDED ON HIS FEET.
Then he had the presence of mind to strike that pose.
Enzo, I know you know that going into labor stuff was crap.
If you know it's going to be crap, don't do it.
Speaking of which, they're entering into a feud with the Shining Stars as far as I can tell?
This is going to be crap. Don't do it.
Also speaking of which ...
SWEET BABY JESUS MAKE THIS STOP.
Titus O'Neil is on commentary. Oh Joy.
"Darren Young was never great, how he gonna make him great again?" Picture that sentence being said for two minutes straight.
Darren Young beats Jobber Mahal quickly with the Gut Check.
Titus comes down to ringside to intimidate Bob Backlund, gets attacked from behind by Darren, beaten down at ringside.
Both of these men are bad people, I refuse to cheer for either of them.
Mission Accomplished, WWE.
THE WORST SEGMENT IN THE HISTORY OF WRESTLING.
You know every word of this was written by Vince McMahon, and while it was happening, he was in the back literally ROFLMFAO.
He was rolling around on the floor laughing his f*cking ass off.
He should be tried for war crimes.
The Ending
aka The Debacles, Part II
I'm not talking about the Owens/Sami Zayn match. That was pretty dope. These guys are incapable of having a bad match together.
Sami continues to sell his bad leg until it gives out on him while running across the ring for the Helluva Kick. Owens Powerbombs him without the Pop-Up for the 1-2-3.
I hope Sami gets written off for a few weeks, then comes back in October so we can get that Hell in a Cell match I want so badly.
No, when referring to the End of the Show being a Debacle, I'm referring to this:
Roman Reigns shows up for the first time all show. Don't know where he was all this time.
I guess he must have gone to the wrong Kansas City. Yeah, that must have been it. He must have gone to Kansas City, KANSAS, and not Kansas City, MISSOURI. Common mistake.
Anyway, he finally makes it to the arena just as Owens beats Sami Zayn, walks down to the ring to stare down Owens.
Now, I know this wouldn't have made sense at all, but I kept saying, out loud, to no one else in the room: "Shake Hands."
I wanted them to be in cahoots or something. Against whom? To what end? I don't know, but I know it would have been better than what they wound up doing, which is that BABYFACE GENERAL MANAGER Mick Foley comes down and gives good guy Roman Reigns a match next week where if he beats bad guy Kevin Owens, he gets added to that Clash of Champions match with Rollins, and it becomes a triple threat.
In BABYFACE GENERAL MANAGER Mick Foley's version of Raw, all you've got to do to get a title shot is just show up.
I'm putting BABYFACE GENERAL MANAGER in all caps, because it's basically the same exact thing as the HEEL AUTHORITY FIGURE everyone hated from last year. Instead of screwing over the good guy wrestler every chance he gets, he's now doing it to the bad guy wrestler.
It's the same thing.
I mean, I know Kevin Owens is the heel, so we're supposed to root for him to lose the belt, but that doesn't make it okay.
If the refs cheat to help your team win, they're still cheating.
By the way, I don't know if you noticed this connection.
As Chris Jericho came down the ramp, then incompetently attacked Reigns, then ate a Spear to close the show, I had this thought:
Basically they're running the Rollins vs Reigns thing from last year, with Owens as Rollins, Reigns as Reigns, and Jericho as J&J Security?
New Boss. Same as the Old Boss.
Until Next Time, I've Been Alex Pawlowski
and this was me watching that Old Day segment.
You can follow me on Twitter @pawlowskithe4th
Look for this week's SmackDown ReactDown tomorrow morning.
I'm trying to get caught up, guys, I really am.
