Retro Match Ratings For WWF WrestleMania 13

Elimination Match
Headbangers defeated The Godwinns (w/ Hillbilly Jim), The New Blackjacks and Furnas & Lafon
5.25/10

• It sounds like Howard Finkel has re-dubbed his ring announcing. Fun fact: I listened to this show on a scrambled PPV channel while on vacation in Florida.
• The Godwinns. Oh boy. It took me years to realize they were Tex & Pierce in WCW. I've always thought the Headbangers were underutilized and underrated.
• Furnas and Lafon were so hyped, and just didn't get over. The NEW BLACKJACKS was a terrible idea with two really talented names. This was a garbage promo from them.
• Blackjacks hit the ring and start brawling. Bradshaw does a pumphandle slam.
• These are "Raw Bowl" rules, where opponents have to face one another if tagged in. The Headbangers don't just pin each other because it's elimination rules.
• You still see flashes of the Windham brilliance, taking a great rana from Furnas.
• Furnas, Lafon and The Blackjacks are DQ'd. Okay.
• This match is a bit of a mess, so maybe I romanticized the Headbangers a little too much.
• There isn't really much that happens here. Some basic brawling until an excellent clothesline from HOG that sends him and Mosh over the top rope.
• The match really picks up here, Mosh jumps inside out on a clothesline, then there was a Rocket Launcher onto the Godwinns from the top to the outside.
• Thrasher misses a moonsault, but a Slop Drop is stopped.
• Mosh does the Stage Dive and wins.
• This went too long, but I stand by my statement that The Headbangers were underrated. They had been jobbers, The Spiders, and The Flying Nuns at this point.

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Intercontinental Championship
Rocky Maivia (c) defeated The Sultan (w/ Bob Backlund and The Iron Sheik)
4.75/10

• Why the hell are we seeing Honky Tonk Man on WWE TV in 1997? We also see Lou Albano watching from the crowd, as is Tony Atlas.
• Of course I didn't know it at the time -- but the eventual Rock vs. the eventual Rikishi. Sultan had a great run as Fatu in the Headshrinkers.
• This was just four months after Rocky's debut.
• Kip up from Rocky early, and for a guy that "sucked," he sure did get it.
• Maivia accidentally hits the ring post and gets worked over.
• Sultan does a lazy, late pin after a diving headbutt that doesn't make any sense.
• Belly-to-belly suplex leads to another lazy pin. Rocky later gets one of his own, but there's a kickout.
• This match is a bore at parts until the Rocky floatover DDT that looks awesome.
• An Iron Sheik distraction leads to a superkick from the Sultan.
• There's a piledriver that Rocky DID NOT kick out of on time, but the count is stopped anyway. Yeesh.
• Rocky pins Sultan with a TERRIBLE schoolboy. It was so bad.
• Had this been condensed, it could have been good. Sultan not seeming like he cared made the match worse.
• Sultan all of a sudden cares and attacks after the match with a flying splash. Iron Sheik applies the Camel Clutch.
• Rocky Johnson makes the save, but gets beaten down. Finally Maivia beats up Iron Sheik, and he and his dad slam him. Four years later, Sheik couldn't bump anymore.
• Cool moment here. I would have liked to see Atlas help out, but whatever.

Hunter Hearst Helmsley (w/ Chyna) defeated Goldust (w/ Marlena)
5.25/10

• Hunter Hearst Helmsley won't reveal his relationship with Chyna to Dok Hendrix.
• I don't even remember HHH using a Beethtoven song.
• Lots of uppercuts from Goldust that stop being cute pretty early on.
• Chyna as a presence was just great, gazing across the ring at Marlena with her arms folded, not moving.
• There are a lot of Triple H nose jokes. Been a while since I heard one of those.
• HHH tries to superplex Goldust but settles for dropping him across the apron.
• There are a lot of shots at Chyna's appearance.
• Triple H hits a great high knee and then slows things down big time.
• Another DDT, feels like the third tonight, and it feels like ten bounces off the ropes tonight.
• Goldust takes out Triple H with an good body press, but then they clash and they're both down.
• A ton of lazy kickouts on this show, Triple H does one off a bulldog.
• Curtain Call is countered into a Pedigree attempt, into a catapult. Goldust tries to help Marlena and gets distracted.
• Pedigree on Goldust while Chyna ragdolls Marlena.
• Instead of taking Marlena to the back, he drops her in the middle of the ring and embraces her. This doesn't make any sense.

WWF Tag Team Championships
British Bulldog & Owen Hart (c) vs. Mankind & Vader (w/ Paul Bearer) is a double countout
5.25/10

• Jim Ross tries to stir stuff up with Bulldog and Owen over Owen saying he's the leader.
• Owen's spinning heel kick isn't X-Pac levels, but it's good.
• Vader does a lazy powerbomb and doesn't pin.
• It's not tough to see how WWE got red hot with their content in 1997 when these four guys were in a tag title match.
• Bulldog suplexes Vader. It's not quite to normal standards, but Vader was huge.
• Vader gets a good splash, and Bulldog works a comeback.
• Owen Hart of all people gets a hot tag, and the crowd seems into him until he gets mowed down by Vader.
• I love Vader helping Mick modify his Cactus Jack elbow into a Demolition Decaptiator outside the ring!
• Another match that seems like it's going a bit too long, and another DDT, this one from Owen Hart.
• Mandible Claw on Bulldog, but an unmasked Vader knocks Owen into them. Less than a year later, Vader would have a mask vs. mask match against Kane.
• Double countout. Womp.
• The thing is, a lot of these matches are stretched out, but I don't know what else they could have added to this show. None of the earlier tag teams were over enough for their own match, Shawn Michaels was hurt. You have a bunch of minis and jobbers. Nobody got left off this show that should have been on it.

Submission Match
Special Ref: Ken Shamrock
Bret Hart defeated Stone Cold Steve Austin
9/10

• I thought Ken Shamrock had a pretty good, realistic promo backstage with Todd Pettingill.
• As great as Bret was technically, he was a great brawler, too.
• None of the three guys would be wrestling more than six years later.
• This brawl is outstanding. Into the crowd, around ringside, into the stairs. Bret Hart is targeting Austin's knee.
• Austin sells the leg so well, and manages to hit a Stunner, but Bret goes right back at the leg with a ring post Figure Four.
• Hart grabs a chair and tries to Pillmanize Austin, but Stone Cold knocks him off the top rope with it.
• Austin's chair shots are great, and him selling the leg during the body slam works so well.
• Austin doing a Boston Crab was a good way to re-stablish he's well versed in submissions.
• Bret Hart busts Austin open and wears him out with a chair.
• Austin gives one of the best low blows of all time, and Hart reciprocates with one of the best sells.
• Bret's way of taking the Irish whip into the buckle has always ruled.
• Austin tries to STRANGLE Bret Hart with a wire, but gets hit with a bell.
• Sharpshooter locked on. We get the iconic shot of Austin bleeding and pleading and refusing to tap out.
• Ken Shamrock calls for the match to end.
• The emotion, the double turn, the crowd were all perfect. This was one of the all-time great brawls. Ken Shamrock played his role well, too.
• Bret Hart goes after Austin, and Shamrock waistlock throws Bret and the crowd goes nuts.
• Austin gets a Stunner on a referee after all this. Huge "Austin" chants from the crowd.

Chicago Street Fight
LOD & Ahmed Johnson defeated Nation Of Domination
5.25/10

• Faarooq cuts an angry promo before the match, and PG-13 rap them out to the ring. There's only one guy who I can't remember or identify from this group.
• As a kid, I thought Ahmed Johnson was the next big star, but never had any idea how dangerous he was.
• That is on display with a somersault plancha over the guardrail onto Crush.
• They brought a kitchen sink just for the innuendo.
• All of the NOD extras are chucked out.
• Animal does one of the dumbest looking piledrivers on a table I've ever seen to Faarooq.
• This is a mess and a spectacle, but the show kind of needed it.
• Faarooq gets scoop slammed through a table by Ahmed. I kind of miss when the crazy CRT monitors would fly onto the person through the table.
• The Nation tries to hang Ahmed. Yikes. Hawk is next to get hung, but Faarooq gets yanked off the top rope to the floor.
• Fire extinguisher is out, and Nation all jump the babyfaces.
• Doomsday Device on Crush, then a double team 2x4 lariat pins him.
• The Nation jump again. D-Lo eats a Pearl River Plunge and PG-13 get double Doomsday'd.
• This was something. That's for sure.

WWF Championship
The Undertaker defeated Sycho Sid (c) to become champion
4.5/10

• Shawn Michaels is out for commentary. Bret Hart comes out and yells at Shawn Michaels. He gets powerbombed by Sid.
• Sid says he's gonna kick Bret's ass after he kicks Taker's, and gets attacked.
• They brawl outside around the ring announcers.
• Sid lands a double axehandle and leg drop. Taker misses a running crooked elbow drop.
• This match is not it.
• A double big boot hits. Then Sid tries like seven more axehandles. Why?
• Finally, Taker takes control in the worst match of the night so far. His top rope clothesline is fun.
• Sid goes a gross ass Tombstone and pins Taker in his signature method.
• Bret Hart attacks both men, and Stunners Sid over the top rope.
• Tombstone, pin. Undertaker wins.
• This was boring. Shawn Michaels trying to be humble was hilarious and he keeps clapping for Undertaker after the match.

Rating guide

10- Perfect, 9- MOTY Territory, 8- Excellent, 7- Great, 6- Good, 5- Average to above average, 4- Slightly below average, 3 or below: Poor

Each match starts at a 5 and slides up and down based on entertainment, execution, time, environment, reaction and stakes. The ratings are in no way an indication of a "star rating," which is a completely different system. A standard, non-offensive "TV match" lands at a 5. The gap between 5.75-6 is generally the largest, with anything reaching 6 being recommended viewing.
These are opinions, and incredibly inconsistent ones. Don't take them too seriously, and have (and share) your own!