Welcome to another edition of
CONNECTING THE DOTS
The semi-regular column that dares to ask the tough questions
and won't accept the easy answers
in this episode
DID BRAUN STROWMAN REALLY
TIP OVER THAT AMBULANCE?
The kind folks over at Barbend, a weightlifting site, appear to have taken the above video literally.
They've done a very in-depth examination of the necessary physics.
So have I.
They have their own findings.
I have mine.
The essential question is this: Could a man, even one as obviously strong as Braun Strowman, tip over an ambulance?
Let's look at the evidence and come to our own conclusions, shall we?
Barbend quotes Michael Gill, a former strongman competitor, who has flipped cars in competitions, says that usually a lifter has a little help:
“A bar is usually mounted to the frame under the door for the athlete to get a grip on. This makes the job much easier.”
Watch Gill flip a car in this video.
Impressive.
But here's the thing: Gill competes in the 105 kg weight class. That's about 230 pounds.
BRAUN STROWMAN EATS 230 POUNDS FOR BREAKFAST.
... sorry. I don't know what came over me...
Anyway, here's another video of Strongman Competitors flipping over cars.
Now, that seems impressive, but those puny cars only weigh about 1500 pounds.
This ambulance weighs over 10,000 pounds.
Now, is it physically possible to lift 10,000 pounds?
Strowman weighs in at 385 pounds of solid muscle, around 67% more than Gill's 230 pounds.
So if Gill could tip over a car weighing at 1500 pounds, then basic math says that Strowman should be able to tip over a pickup truck weighing 2500 pounds with the same ease.
And an ambulance is four times that weight. Plus, as Gill reminds us: “Given the fact that most of them are also designed to not flip on their side during high speed driving would also make it a more daunting task.”
At best, I would say it's highly unlikely, if not impossible for any human being to flip over an ambulance.
WHICH CAN ONLY MEAN ONE THING.
BRAUN STROWMAN IS NOT HUMAN.
HE IS A DEMI-GOD, LIKE HIS BROTHER HERCULES BEFORE HIM.
But unlike with Hercules, who was conceived when Zeus visited the beautiful Leda in the body of a Swan, and seduced her--as happened all the time back in the Ancient Greece days--Strowman was not the product of a lady and some dopey long-necked water fowl.
Strowman was issued forth from the congress of Zeus himself and a giant grizzly bear.
Yes, you read that right.
BRAUN IS HALF ZEUS, HALF ANGRY FEMALE KODIAK BEAR.
IT'S THE ONLY EXPLANATION.
I mean, the only other alternative is that Braun Strowman didn't actually tip over that ambulance.
And we all saw him do it.
What, are we supposed to believe that the WWE used camera tricks and falsified the whole thing with hydraulics and winches and such?
Are we supposed to believe the WWE LIED TO US?
Pshaw. I find that theory supremely dubious.
It's much easier for me to believe that Braun Strowman is a super-human half-bear man.
It would also explain why he does all of his weight-training in the woods.
He's visiting his mom.
Can't you see the family resemblance?
Braun is such a good son, you guys,
CONSIDER THESE DOTS ...
CONNECTED.
