For those of you who did not turn on a television, or a radio, or open a laptop, or use a smartphone yesterday evening, or who chose to start drinking early and blacked out sometime around when Missouri was called, WWE Hall of Famer and rotting tangerine man Donald Trump was elected President of the United States late last night.
Sean Ross Sapp said I should do a story about it, since Trump is in the WWE Hall of Fame and all, and I said no, I couldn't do that, because I was curled up in a ball rocking back and forth and weeping for my unborn daughter's future.
But then I realized that in our darkest times, like when we're convinced that if the nuclear fallout doesn't get us then the climate change will, sometimes a little gallows humor is all we have. And some of you might really need a laugh to get through this, the hardest of Wednesdays, and I am nothing if not a man of the people, so here goes..
Oh, and I should probably say that this list reflects my own views,
and is in no way endorsed by Sean Ross Sapp,
Fightful.com, its owners or its parent companies.
But come on, they're based in Canada, so they're probably on my side.
(But maybe not.)
And now, without further ado, I present:
A partial list of the WWE Hall of Famers
who are more fit to be
President of the United States than Donald Trump,
who is actually President of the United States.
In no particular order:
Arnold Schwarzenegger
This one's a no-brainer, honestly. At least Arnold has actual governing experience, which is a lot more than can be said about CURRENT PRESIDENT-ELECT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA DONALD TRUMP.
Also, Arnold has a strict policy of banning all Predators and Liquid-Metal Robots from entering the country until we can figure out what the hell is going on, and I think we can all get behind that.
Bobby "The Brain" Heenan
I mean, at least we know he's got a brain. Not so sure about Donald, who has such trouble forming complete sentences that he makes George W Bush seem like Abraham Lincoln.
Plus, we know he cares about (Heenan) Family values, and any man who can get Andre the Giant and Big John Studd to work together for the greater evil good will certainly be able to foster bi-partisan unity in Washington.
Ric Flair
He's the 16 Time World Champ. Trump has never been the champ of anything.
Except this election.
Except that, I guess.
And hey, at least all Flair did was steal a few kisses. He also wheeled deals, to be fair, but there was absolutely no mention of anything cat-like being grabbed against its will.
So that's a bonus.
The Iron Sheik
Relations with the Middle East would immediately improve, UNLIKE WITH ANOTHER GUY I KNOW.
The Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase
See, here's a millionaire that doesn't pretend to be a billionaire, UNLIKE WITH ANOTHER GUY I KNOW.
And I bet he'd show us his tax return if we just asked him nicely.
Hacksaw Jim Duggan
He was waving around American flags before it was cool, and he was probably hugging them too, but at least he had the decency to do it behind closed doors and not IN THE MIDDLE OF A DAMN PRESS CONFERENCE.
Stone Cold Steve Austin
The candidate you'd most like to have a beer with.
Nikolai Volkoff
Knows from personal experience that Vladimir Putin is an evil prick and will treat him as such, instead of being Chester to his Spike.
Drew Carey
As host of The Price Is Right, he understands the value of a dollar.
Donald Trump once claimed a $915 million dollar loss on his taxes.
Do you think he knows how much a loaf of bread costs?
If you told him it was $74.99 or if you told him it was a nickel, would he believe either of those things?
Donald Trump would be terrible at the Showcase Showdown.
Sergeant Slaughter
Definitely not a draft dodger.
Mr. T
Definitely not endorsed by the KKK.
Koko B. Ware
Also definitely not endorsed by the KKK.
Snoop Dogg
Also definitely not endorsed by the KKK.
Also, wants to #LegalizeIt.
Papa Shango
Also definitely not endorsed by the KKK.
Also, can use VooDoo to bring things back from the dead, so can possibly resurrect our DYING MIDDLE CLASS.
Jake The Snake Roberts
Animal lover.
Mick Foley
Only pretending to be a crazed, psycho lunatic with no grip on the real world.
Unlike Trump, who is pretending not to be.
Lita
OR HOW ABOUT A GODDAMN WOMAN FOR A CHANGE.
Trish Stratus
A blonde, strong, powerful woman, who takes no sh*t from anyone and fights to get what she wants.
No, you're right, that's silly. That would never happen.
BONUS LIGHTNING ROUND
These next few guys are dead, and they're STILL more fit to be president.
Dusty Rhodes
He's just a common man. Working hard with his hands.
He'll really get in touch with working class whites.
Plus, he's the goddamn American Dream. The campaign ads write themselves.
Eddie Guerrero
He a champion of the Hispanic community, and at least he's honest when he says that he lies, he cheats and he steals.
The American populace just LOVES honesty, apparently.
The Big Boss Man
The one true "Law & Order Candidate."
Macho Man Randy Savage
Any guy who does that much cocaine (allegedly) will definitely be awake at 3 am for that urgent phone call from the Pentagon.
And any guy who has a heart attack while driving that he would have survived had he not plowed into a tree, any motherf*cker that God has to kill TWICE, that guy ain't getting fazed by a little terrorism.
"Don't Say 'Ooh, No' " would be his rallying cry. "Say OOOOH YEEEAHHH."
I wish I could, Randy.
I really wish I could say "Ooh, Yeah."
But instead, I will say "Ooh, No."
For the next Four Years.
