Welcome to the M.E.S.S. Round-Up.
I watch Main Event & Superstars so you don't have to.
These are the C Shows of the WWE,
but that doesn't mean I can't try to polish these turds into some A+ level jokes.
It doesn't always work out.
Previously on the MESS: They had the Cruiserweights fight on Main Event, which was awesome, but also had Golden Truth vs Titus & Jinder Mahal, which was not awesome.
This week, it's a bunch of matches that we've seen before, with the same finishes, so I'll be honest, I fell asleep while watching.
It's that boring.
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This Week on Superstars:
Sami Zayn vs Curtis Axel
Neville vs Jinder Mahal
Let's get this over with.
Above Recorded on August 8, 2016
Sami Zayn vs Curtis Axel
Yeah, so the match from last week is basically IDENTICAL to the match from 6 weeks ago, so I just embedded some highlights from that match instead.
If you really, really, REALLY need to know what happened between Sami and Curtis last week, just watch that.
Spoiler Alert: Sami wins.
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Above took place on August 15, 2016
Neville vs Jinder Mahal
Same.
And not just the same match as 6 weeks ago. It's the same match Neville always has, against every opponent.
He gets beat on, comes back, hits the Red Arrow, wins.
Whoops. Sorry. Spoiler Alert again.
I guess the one thing that makes the more recent match different from the older one is that in this one, Jinder Mahal says "Shanti" a lot. Like A LOT.
Corey Graves mentions that it means "peace" or "tranquility," but Jinder appears to be using it the way The Minions use the word "banana."
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This Week on Main Event
Apollo Crews vs Tyler Breeze
Baron Corbin vs Kane
Ugh.
From April 4, 2016
Apollo wins a match for a change!
Yeah, so the gimmick for this column continues.
It ends the same way Apollo's first match on Raw did, which I went ahead and put up there for you to watch, if you're a masochist.
Breezey deserves better. Fandango didn't even bother to come out for the match, but the commentary team keeps mentioning him, like he's Poochie or something.
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Finally we get a match we haven't seen on TV before.
Yay?
At least Baron Corbin is wrestling in a shirt now.
So that's good.
But Kane gets the best of him, so that's bad.
Unless you're one of those people who thinks Kane needs to be kept strong for some reason. One of the people who thought it was good booking for him to beat Bray Wyatt at Backlash.
You're not one of THOSE people, are you?
Good, that's what I thought.
Anyway, the match ends when Baron Corbin takes the easy way out and hits Kane with a chair.
But then, of course, Kane no-sells it and goes for the chokeslam. Thankfully, Corbin gets out of it, and leaves ringside like a coward, so Kane can stand tall.
As is apparently the natural order of things.
Man, I can't wait for them to really push Corbin like he deserves.
Especially since we don't have to look at his weird belly button anymore.
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Until Next Time, I've Been Alex Pawlowski
and this was me while trying to watch Superstars.
You can follow me on Twitter @pawlowskithe4th.
